Everybody’s got an answer
To a question that they need to know
Still broken over one thing,
I didn’t ask you, “Do you have to go?”
Now I am looking for a reason,
It isn’t easy, but I got to have hope…
(Author’s note: I
think I have this kind of tendency of manipulating lyrics from my own
perspective in order to fit it in the story of my life. I’m truly sorry songwriters,
I don’t mean to misinterpret your beautiful words. It’s so beautiful that I
feel like it’s really close to my heart ;) hehehe)
Okay, ramblings aside.
Yes, as the lyric
goes, I have been asking myself a question that I thought other people around
me weren’t asking themselves anymore (at least, at this moment). Every single
day, since the first day of my course, I keep asking myself, am I even doing
the right thing? Am I taking the right course? Did I make the right decision?
Or, I should have think more about it earlier? Should I actually do something
more common instead? Is it really fine not to do engineering or law or you
know, all this things that is not rare to
be heard of?
Being the only
Malaysian doing Archaeology and Anthropology in the university, I cannot help
myself from not thinking about it. As time flies, I do sometimes have this
thought “Do you have to go??” Or, maybe
I should rephrase it as “Do you really
have to go? Do I have to let you go?” Every time that thought popped up in
my mind, I was actually referring to my course. Someone choose to transfer to
Anthropology from Astrophysics recently, and someone else change her course
from something related to Science and Technology to Archaeology and Anthropology.
How could that have not triggered me to actually think about changing my course
as well?? (But, if I am to do that, I don’t know what course to transfer to
either!! XD HAHAHAHA)
One Thursday morning;
which is exactly a month after I officially started my course, I was sitting in
front of my study desk, overthinking. The fact that I need to see my personal
tutor, Liz at 11am to discuss and get her feedback on my very first practice
essay made it worse. I was so nervous, thinking about if I had not get the
question right, if I had not given her a good first impression, if I had not
understand what I have been learning for this whole month, and it went to all
those thoughts about ‘am I making the right choice’ all over again.
It was a few minutes
before I need to go out and make way to the Institute of Archaeology (IoA) to
see my tutor. I was listening to this song; ‘I Will Reach You’ by Westlife
(which is actually the song of the lyric at the top), while trying to read a
few websites for my tutorial later in the afternoon. Nothing definitely went
into my mind. I decided to stop playing the song and stop reading, so I turned
off my laptop. My tears started to roll down my cheek. I cried, at the same
time I didn’t know whom to talk to. So silently, I started to make du’a from
the bottom of my heart. I prayed, that everything is going to be alright, that
Allah is going to give me a sign that everything is going to be totally fine. I
am definitely have not given up my effort on looking for the reasons why I am here.
“It isn’t easy, but I got to have hope…”
* * *
Alhamdulillah, I think
Allah granted my wish. When my tutor pointed out my grammatical errors, a short
sentence that she said caught my attention, “You’re
not alone.” I knew what she meant was, I wasn’t the only person who did
these mistakes, and some other people did it too. But it just hit me that I am not the only person who is having a
tough time in my first month. Everyone is struggling. The beginning is
always the hardest, so why bother thinking of giving up?
“Anything is possible if you’ve
got enough nerve.” I quote
J.K. Rowling.
It wasn’t just those
three words that made my day. She then told me, somewhere in the middle of the
discussion, “You can never do anything
perfect on your own. Nobody can ever do a perfect essay. The best thing to do
is, to get better.” I grinned at her. Exactly, the reason I am here is to learn, and get better. I can’t deny that sometimes I do
feel like everyone else knows everything.
But then, hey, it is never wrong to start as a total beginner, as long as we
keep moving ourselves from zero to hero, isn’t
it?
I thought Allah only
send the vibes of positivity via my tutor, but I was wrong. I went to the
library after the discussion since I had half an hour before my Sites and
Artefacts tutorial. After I scanned my student card and pushed the steel bar, I
heard someone saying, “Melayu?” I looked around. The voice came from the
reception. It was a Malaysian lady working in the IoA Library! Since the
reception desk is separated from the reading section, we were chatting at the
library reception, starting to get to know each other. We were enjoying
ourselves too much that I didn’t realise I spent more than 15 minutes talking
to her. She told me that she was excited to see a Malaysian student walking in
front of the counter a few times before (obviously that is me XD), and finally
decided to approach me today (she doesn’t look like a Malaysian that’s why I didn’t
know she is a Malaysian XD). She was more surprised to know that I am actually studying
archaeology, not a typical course that other Malaysian students would usually
take, and she told me, “You can make a new wave for young Malaysians then!” I
smiled, at the same time I couldn’t thank Allah enough for always giving me the
strength to go through everything that He had put me into.
I am not sure if you; who
are reading this, is one of the SPM candidates who’s going to sit for your big
big big exam next few days, or a student who just started his or her university
life like me, or someone who is still wondering what to do with life hence you
read my blog (like me too haha), but regardless of who we are,
No matter what is
going to happen, keep on hoping,
with praying. Sebab doa itu senjata
mukmin.
No matter where you
are, be like a river; go with the flow and carry along the hope with you; which is the faith that Allah is going to bring
you through it!
No matter what your
future holds, hope for the best AND do your best, because we never
know what Allah has put in store for us.
No matter what it is,
there should always be a room for H.O.P.E.
(Hence) Hold On, (so that…) Pain Ends.
Best wishes,
A wanderer who is
still finding her way on her life path ;)
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