It's All about D!

“Hamizah, what do you want to talk about actually?”

Talk? What is talking again? Oh yeah, words. Words that come out of your mouth.

Wait, I have to open my mouth? Err no thanks, let me think about it again.

*          *          *

I am not sure if I was the first kid in that kindergarten who did not perform anything (except from standing and staring at the audience from above) on the annual ‘Talent Day’ event. After a few minutes of being on the stage without a single word, a teacher finally called me to come down the stage and brought me to sit with another teacher at a corner; the last row among the audiences. The teacher asked me what I wanted to do, so I told her I was supposed to do some sort of story-telling, (well, that’s the plan I initially had with my parents) yet of course, I was freezing like a bronze statue on stage, holding a microphone but was as motionless and speechless as I can be (I should be grateful I didn’t collapse though hihi).

Around 10 years after that incident happened (actually a lot of similar (and worse) incidents happened in my primary school but it shall not be mentioned here XD), I was studying in a boarding school. Alhamdulillah, to make things short, academic was not a thing I have my worries for at that time (at least, not my own grades huhu).

But, I have no idea when exactly was the time this thought hit me: “Will I survive being an academically-bright student with no soft skills, let alone communication skills, and not much extra co-curricular activities achievement to show?” It didn’t take me long to become aware that the real life out there is not just about pencil and papers. All I can remember is that on that particular day, I have decided: I really need to be able to talk.

*          *          *

I first realised that I actually enjoyed explaining things to people in a Geography class. I can still clearly imagine myself explaining about transportation network in Malaysia. I was 14 when I was doing that presentation in front of the whole class. ‘It wasn’t as bad as I thought’ I told myself. Okay let me get things clear. As an introvert who won’t even talk to people unless they approach me and greet me first, having to be able to present (and enjoy it? hahaha) in front of 20 people was indeed a big personal achievement.

So yeah, I was awakened of the joy of speaking in public just by a class presentation. Moving on to something more exciting, I joined Teens Champion’s Cup, a version of mini ‘World Scholar’s Cup’ organised in my high school by the Debate Club, in the very same year. So the story goes, that was the first time I ever debated in my whole life (in a room with 5 other people who had never debated before too, and Kak Ummi was the one adj-ing eheh).

Wait, are you kidding me? Debate?!

Yes, debate. Not enough surprise? Well, you see….hmmm… She enjoyed it.

Wait whaaaaaat, she did??

My primary school teachers would be in a huge surprise I think, (yet Teacher Maizun was quite happy when she first knew; she must have been like bersyukur gila akhirnya budak ni insaf – God knows how much she wanted me to speak out my mind hahaha). Well, even my mum have doubts when I first told her, I wanted to join debate (it’s okay mum you have always known who I was and who I am so that’s totally understandable XD I’m not offended hahaha).

So what did she do next? (Daring me, wow) She went for a debate audition at the end of the year. Mind you, this happened in the same year too. Wasn’t aware she wasn’t selected (the results wasn’t announced publicly), she shamelessly texted the club advisor on the following year to ask if she can still join the debate club (you better not ask where on earth she got that courage from). All she knew is she wanted to get, if not much, a pinch of confidence in her own self.

After a few meetings and discussions and watching these cool kids debating, finally she was in. But at that time it was already the last few days of the year, so there’s not even one practice that she actually had the chance to join (even the first event I joined was a farewell for the seniors graduating that year hahaha hence frankly, I would say I joined the club in 2014, instead of 2013 huehuehue).

The beginning is always the hardest, huh? Yes, I can’t agree more.

I spent the whole end-of-year break thinking of pulling out (now you know that I’m not that daring XD). The feeling was horrible, I wanted to do it but at the same I was dammmmnnn scared man (what kind of love-hate relationship is this, you haven’t even started anything yet for God's sake Hamizaaahhh)

Can’t exactly remember how it was resolved, but yeah what I know is I would feel ashamed of myself if I was to give up before reaching the finishing line (though technically I have not even passed the starting line lololol) so…I stayed anyway. And of course it wasn’t the only time I feel like quitting. The quote: “If you feel like quitting, think about why you started” was my huge motivator. It impacted me a lot more than I can express how much it really did, and still do :’)). Back then, it got me back on track every single time I felt like giving up on improving myself to be a better speaker. It keeps on telling me: you have your goals. It keeps on pushing me: you have your aims.

‘As long as the confidence is still not in my hand, I’ll endure what it takes.’

Everyone knows that nothing worth having comes easy, so let’s not talk about those conflicts in being fair towards all commitments I used to have back then, day and night practices especially when a competition was coming soon, having to catch up on my studies after leaving my messy desk in the classroom every month etc. Plus, I believe all students face the same challenge, to some extent. I was grateful for the endless help and support that I have from these great debaters. Aqil, Radhi and Firdaus have always been such a great help ever since I first joined World Scholar’s Cup in 2013. Husna, despite the tough love, was my major pushing force to improve (or even to speak up in the first place HAHAHA). All seniors, you guys are always my favourite role models. My beloved juniors are always my best inspiration. Miss Fatihah and Miss Erina? Definitely meeting both of you is one of the best things that had ever happened in my life. My teachers, friends, seniors and juniors…ahhh wait, let me rephrase that. This family that I have since my high school days had taught me a lot, beyond speaking and debating; from coping with demanding duties and responsibilities as a student, to surviving life in general. (I really miss you guys, just so you know XP)

Though I was sometimes being credited as a good Prime Minister, I still consider myself as a novice speaker. I was so thankful and proud of my teammates every time we got to ‘break’ in a competition. After almost 3 years of not evaluating debate motions and convincing adjudicators, my critical thinking skills are definitely in need of some tough polishing session. Obviously there’s no exact time limit to be really good at something; like what Miss Fatihah said, there will always be a room for improvement. And I would never call myself a good debater either. But still, if it’s not for these amazing people and wonderful experiences, I might have not passed any interview, spoke a bit better in English, got a scholarship offer, or even able to make myself some new friends here. If it’s not because of them, I won’t be having this miracle; this pinch of confidence that I have been anxiously looking for.

Jap, don’t get me wrong.

It’s not mainly about DEBATING.

It’s all about DETERMINATION.

If I am to look back at where I was standing 4 years ago, in a room in UT MARA Shah Alam for my first ever official debate competition, I guess now I can say,

“Hold on to your grit and see where it leads you”.

Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli hal :)