A month has passed since I first landed in Heathrow at the end of my summer break. As I thought adapting would be better this time round, in my second year, nothing actually gets any easier. It's awful, and annoying at the same time, for the fact that the first thing I had in mind when I first arrived is, when will my next first day in Malaysia is going to be?
I have been struggling to resist the urge of going back for 40 days by now. And regardless, whether I'll make it home or not next summer; well everything depends on my fieldwork schedule for next year, I guess I have no other choice. Life goes on. Time is still running. The only thing I need to do at this point is to find the reason to hold on.
For the past year, I have been occasionally asked by my friends as well as my sisters for my PS, or 'personal statement', which is basically an essay that you have to send as part of the application to enter UK universities. I am not here to give tips and advices on writing a PS, sorry guys (might be available on request? hehe). But I am here to do a personal reflection on my own personal reflection that I have written back then.
PS aside, I actually appreciate an additional assessment from UCL (University College London) more than my own general personal statement that I sent to other universities. It was an assessment with a set of questionnaires (spoiler alert for future applicants, oppps!):
What inspired you to apply for this particular course?
What aspects of the combined course content and degree structure that attracted you?
What do you see as the benefit of studying both subjects?
Which aspects of the degree you find most appealing and why?
Any artefact, archaeological site, book or news story that interests you and what studying it can reveal about the past or current concerns?
How will studying this course at University fit in with your current career aims?
Apart from the questions provided in the assessment, I also I asked myself a lot when I first started my application back then; why overseas, why London, why UCL, (why me?) etc. And all the answers up until now are for myself to keep.
Despite the passion that I have expressed through my 4000-character personal statement as well as the approximately 1000-word answer for the assessment to convince the universities admission panel, there are still times when I have lack of confidence, or when I feel things are a bit too hard, or when I am not even sure where I am going, or when I have no idea what I am looking for. These statements are not only personal accounts that has formed part of my life history, but also 'primary statement'(s) that I would occasionally go back and refer to whenever I am thinking about the reason of why I am here in the first place...
...which brings me back to the primary hadith of Imam Nawawi, which is famously known I believe; the hadith of 'niat' (intention):
'Umar Ibn Al-Khattab relates that he heard the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam, say, "Verily actions are by intentions, and for every person is what he intended. So the one whose hijrah was to Allah and His Messenger, then his hijrah was to Allah and His Messenger. And the one whose hijrah was for the world to gain from it, or a woman to marry her, then his hijrah was to what he made hijrah for." [Agreed upon]
My friend Radhi once told me, 'nothing worth having comes easy'. Partially true; I think 'nothing in life comes easy' anyway. While dealing with life obstacles and difficulties, the only way to cope with the adversities is to go back and revisit my reasons and purposes of doing things I am currently caught up with. I believe that the drive to move forward has always lied in step zero; 'the intention', the trigger that has pushed me in taking my small first step (my feet is literally small by the way, just saying).
I see my motivation and spirit like an oil lamp; it will reach a point where it is going to be out of fuel, and I am the one who would have to 'refill' it to ignite that burning flame again. So when things are a bit all over the places, take me back to the start again! (Reading back all the statements is indeed very therapeutic!)
Just want to share one of the motivational songs I have been listening to since last year:
Hope when you take that jump
You don't fear the fall
Hope when the water rises
You built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out
They're screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay
Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup
And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes,
You'll say
I, I did it all!
It's better to keep going back to figure out the right path and begin all over again,
rather than getting lost while walking on the wrong path and keep going astray, right?
Final reminder,
Tajdid niat (renewal of intention) dear self, always, okay? :)
[Lyrics cited from: 'I Lived' by OneRepublic]
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