Dear Fear, Why Are You Here?

December 13th, 12.13pm

I remember telling myself that afternoon that I have less than one hour to prepare for a 15 minutes individual presentation, so I should be able to run about three practices before heading to uni.

"Hi everyone, today I am going to tell you..errr...present to you...errr...." Wait what should I say really....

"Hi everyone, I am going to give out...erm...a...presentation on..." Ah where is this stuttering coming from ugh I'll do it again.

".....So my presentation is going to be about...err...going to be presented...err divided into.."

* * *

45 minutes passed, and I wasn't able to rehearse even once for my Forensic Geoscience presentation. While heading to Tavistock Square where the UCL Department of Security and Crime Science is located, I still took the time to review the slides on my phone and prepare for at least, the introduction. I noticed that some people started to look at me as I was 'presenting' to myself while walking, which made me felt a bit awkward but all I had in my mind at that moment was: my presentation.

Have you ever been in a situation where you turned up somewhere and be there unprepared? If you had, then you can probably understand how nervous I was for the assessment, and how I wish I can have more time to at least make myself calm if not to prepare for it.

I would say I was lucky enough not to be the first. I remember the first guy had a video in one of his slides, and the girl who presented after him looked very well prepared with her printed notes. When it's finally my turn to present, I even had to excuse myself to go to the washroom; I couldn't tell whether I was too nervous or if I had drank too much water while watching the previous two presentations....

"Alright, whenever you are ready." said Prof Morgan while smiling sweetly at me; I have to say that it did make me feel much better. I stared at my first slide on the PC and my small handwritten note I wrote just a few minutes earlier. I took a really deep breath and began my 15 minutes speech.

Finished my 5 minutes Q&A session, packed my things, wished Prof Morgan and our PGTA, Maryam a good holiday and walked out of the building. I couldn't stop myself from smiling like a person who just lost her mind on my way back. I bumped into Muni and told her how glad I was that my day ended well, alhamdulillah. Not long after that I bumped into Kak Fina, brought up about the presentation again and got myself a hug I desperately need after a very tense and restless day.

I got home feeling dumbfounded. It has been so long since the last time I have ever over-worried about things, so the relief that I got after everything's over was extreeeeeemely soothing.

Coincidentally, for the past few days on that week I have also been thinking about a lot of things that might be able to affect me emotionally. As a human itself, being surrounded by the fear of taking actions due to the unforeseeable consequences is inevitable, and can never be more typical.

Most people dream to be that bold, fearless person in their lives. I can't deny that sometimes I do feel the same way too. I lost count of how many times I have been told (by myself or even other people) to have faith, and you know, to go with the flow, to live life, to believe that everything is going to be alright...and so on (insert more inspirational quotes here). But while I don't disagree that being fearless can be a good motivation, I started to wonder if fearless is indeed a real thing when you have so much moments of fear in reality...don't you think so?

So on that day, I learnt how fear is not totally a bad thing, and it does not exist for nothing.

It has been quite a while since I had any absolute and concrete reason to perform solat hajat, but on that particular day those uneasy feelings finally got me back to the One who knows it all. If it's not for the acute fear (of not being able to present my work well) that I had due to my inarticulacy in my 'practice' session, I never know if I would get my knees on the mat and prostrated to Him on that afternoon, begging Him in my prayers "to relieve my chest, to ease my task for me, to remove the impediment from my speech, so they may understand what I say" (Quran, 20:25-28). 

"Allah is sufficient for us, and He is the best disposer of all affairs" (Quran, 3:173)

I guess if fear is meant to be our ultimate loyal company, there are reasons why we can never run away from it.

It's fear that hold you from crossing the road when the cars are passing by and it's fear that makes you watch your step on a sloppy hill. Fear of losing someone makes you try hard to take a good care of their feelings, fear of the hellfire makes you not do the sinful things. It's not about being fearless, but it's more about how you handle your fear. Not only about how not to let your fear go wild and overcome you, but also how to overpower the fear and get the best version of yourself out of it.

"Don't be sad, for Allah is with us" (Quran, 9:40)

Yes, I think it's not too much to say that you can never be truly fearless. Instead, to become more resilient in the future, you can always (or maybe have to) FEAR;

'Face Everything And Rise'!