2 . 2 . 2 : When F(B) gets too small...

"I am just... not feeling good about today"
"Today is just an odd day..."
"...I think it's just generally this week"

Kindly ignore this post if you're looking for something insightful to read. This exists just because I will probably die out of writing starvation if I do not keep myself engaging with my mental therapy session

Well, I am not planning to rant about the things that didn't work out on that particular week ~~like not finishing my reading for tutorial, having less sleep, having to not remember to bring my laptop for a practical, having to missed a weekly review session with our second year tutor and so on,~~ but for sure my buoyant force for that whole week was getting smaller as each day passed that it was really hard to stay afloat. I, being the egoistic girl I have always been, had no idea how bad it was getting into me, until the day my buoyant force might have turned into zero, and even the water in my pool of tears was hugely displaced and the pool went overflowed.

As I was approaching the end of the week, on a Friday morning just before I went to meet my personal tutor for a termly progress meeting, I was quite taken aback for the fact that I experienced the same feeling again after around 500 days. I definitely DID NOT EXPECT myself to question 'am I doing the wrong course' (again) after 515 days I have been enrolled in this degree.

I guess sometimes I do forget that it is OK not to be OK...that, it is OK if can't stay afloat all the time. Without a bit of submerging how will I be able to learn how to swim, and maybe to dive, or...snorkeling...and scuba diving? I keep wondering if I am being too hard on myself, despite the fact that I know I am not as hardworking as my close friends are. I told my tutor about a minor worry of mine about my course, and she went to reply "Oh it's something a lot of people are struggling with, it depends on how quick you can get along with it,". I have to admit, that it gave me a slight relief.

Maybe in a world where it seems like everyone is up for a 'meaningful' degree scroll chase, I sometimes forget that we all have our own pace. When in the meantime, real life...is not at all a race.

As I was going through a week where I have totally 'lost it', I begin to remind myself to take things slow and easy. Like a phrase that I have always heard from my British friends or lecturers,

if it didn't work, it's not the end of the world.

It's not that I failed my life anyway, so just for a week that went a bit disorganised, it's not like the rest of my life is going to be messed up, right?

Funnily enough, the first thing that hit me when I was going through this dreadful week was.."Oh this awful A-levels times feeling is here again 😂" Lol, don't get me wrong, A-level was indeed one of the toughest times I had in life, and the fact that I was experiencing the same feeling again was telling me, 'I am definitely not being OK'. And maybe that's the reason I bumped into these beautiful words from sis Aida Azlin,

Allah loves those who strive for Him. And as long as you're trying, then know that Allah sees all of your efforts (...) perhaps it's in this struggle that you have ... that would actually bring you closer to Allah. And that is a huge blessing.

Perhaps.... it is definitely OK to sink a bit sometimes,

but let's try our best not to get drowned ;)

(when) problem increases, the more you need to ask help from Allah to solve problems...

(but) turning back is the first thing, problem solved is the second - Nouman Ali Khan

Food for Soul:
1. Thinking of wearing the Hijab? - Aida Azlin
2. How Duaa Works - Nouman Ali Khan

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