Digging the Past

Random thoughts with unstructured scribbles.

Digging archaeological sites makes me think a lot about the past. And of course I can't help myself from not thinking about my own past. There are just some things that happened in your life that you wish had never happened, or you wish had happened differently, or maybe you wish that you will be given the chance to experience it again in the future - does the phrase 'take me back to the good old days' ring a bell?

According to a Chinese personality test that my friend shared with me, the age of my soul is 500 years old - if only my soul had lived a little bit longer it might have been able to witness the day Melaka was conquered by Afonso de Albuquerque in 1511. Wait! That was the setting for the short story 'Pintu Gerbang Masa' written by one of the high school participants of a short story competition in 2008 (It was Sayembara Menulis Cerpen organized by Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka)! I still remember the story was set up where the main character was trying to change the national history in 1511 using a 'pintu gerbang masa' - some sort of time machine that can bring him back to Melaka as how it was 500 years ago to fight against the arrival of the Portuguese. But it didn't happen, of course. Or else we are no longer seeing the entrance to the Portuguese fort; the A Famosa in Bandar Hilir after his mission achieves its victory. (Ops, I am not giving out any spoiler right?)

The unwanted past - things that we want to change so badly, or to some extent things that might be able to make us think of taking our own lives. And the only thing that can drift your mind away from actually doing that is by accepting the fact that your past is part of your history. And for this case, it is a history that cannot be deleted (totally not something like your research history on Google). To start accepting a fate is to stop lying to yourself. You're not gonna be able to not see your past through every window that reflects your present self. At the moment we don't have the capability (and probably the technology) to wipe out some memories that we would choose to be gone from our head, so why bother trying for somehing that would just make you suffer, mourning over something that could never happen?

'Everyday is a second chance'. To live, to love, to learn. Even God himself asks His servants not to give up on His blessings, why would we even give up on our own lives? There is a reason why people call experiences the best teachers. Because they are indeed the best way to learn about life. The only difference is whether you learn things the hard way or the other way. No matter whichever way life puts you through, I'm pretty sure they shape the person you currently are at the moment. What teachers are there for if not to guide you on the knowledge you need for your future life. So what past experiences are really for if not to equip you with necessary lessons that would benefit you in the future?

I might not be able to say that I am glad that some of my unwanted past happened, but at least I can keep myself calm everytime it hit me that, I survived.

Taking my hands off the unwanted and dark past might be my most desired option back then - upset and scared, every single time the memories flashed in my mind I felt like a sinner who has lost hope in renewing her faith. I wish none of them had ever happened, I wish I no longer have to be reminded of them AT ALL. But as for now, I think as long as travelling back to the old days makes me feel more grateful for the person I am at this very moment and for the place I am at now and for the life that I am currently blessed with, I don't feel that horrified anymore. Plus, isn't the whole idea of asking God for granting us husnul khatimah (the good ending - death) and keeping us away from su'ul khatimah (the bad ending) is because at the end of the day, the bygones are bygones, and now the future ending matters a thousand times more than the beginning?

And hey, I am an archaeologist. How can I take my hands off them if it's my job to dig the past in order to save the future?

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