Incomprehensible

"The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable...

... You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering, that's the sad truth. That's the burden."

October had passed without an entry published; my mind has been all over the places for the past weeks. In spite of the hassles and inconveniences, I have been watching Bones, an American crime TV series that I have always enjoyed merely due to the fact that the main character is a forensic anthropologist. I actually thought that if I am ever going to share anything from the series it would be something more forensic or anthropologically related, yet here I am, quoting an excerpt from the deleted section of Brennan's novel (above) - nothing akin to forensic nor anthropology.

I just find it very complicated to discern how over time, I have transitioned from one extreme side of the scale to the opposite end: from someone who never seemed to care at all to someone who cares a little too much. My care-less-ness had of course got me into a lot of troubles in the past, and rationally, I felt that to care is the only other path that I have no excuse of not taking.

I find it incomprehensible, until Booth said that, "What life throws us, that's what makes us who we are." Maybe that explains the change I went through.

From somebody who kept on questioning condescendingly why people feel and act in certain ways merely on the basis of their emotions - because I have always believed that emotions are somehow a disruption to efficiency of your productivity, and to some extent I still do - I was slowly becoming someone who's quite sensitive; who got touched and bursts tears very easily. I used to be that stone-hearted girl, but for the past years, it's all different.

I became someone who cried when her parents were hurt by the way she behaved, despite the straight face she put in front of them,

Someone who cried when somebody else she was really close to failed their exams, despite her having passed with flying colours,

Someone who cried when she lost somebody she used to call a close friend, 

Someone who cried when her friends' beloved ones passed away and left them with an unendurable grief,

Someone who cried when somebody else lost their trust in her, because of something they thought she did.

The truth is, I guess, no matter how much we do not want to care, the effects that others' lives have on us are inevitable.

Our whole life, we have been surrounded by people. The undeniable fact that we have to face is that when people come together in life, they create memories. We bond through those memories and sometimes, they are not meant to be forgotten. However, life changes over time, but memories don't. We might not be able to see things the same way again in the future, but there is no way to avoid that. Because there is no way memories can not be created while we are experiencing life moments.

So (unfortunately?), we just have to acquiesce that when we open a space in our heart for other people, we are unconsciously letting ourselves to lose a bit of control over our own personal happiness.

And the more people we are giving that space for, the more people we care about, we do not only become more vulnerable or susceptible to lose that control, but we are actually gradually losing the entire power. 

On undesirable occasions where...you are no longer able to keep someone in your lives, sometimes it takes you so long to accept the fact that you can no longer care too much. It's the consequences of the risk you weren't aware you had taken. The risk that when you start to give out that space, there is a possibility that someone, either you or the others, can get heartbroken, therefore suffering is inevitable. Most of the time, it's the memories that you have created before that makes you suffer. No matter how hard you try, you can never push them away from your life, you can never wipe them out from your past.

And in that case, if you're determine on moving on, you should not feel tremendously dejected.

"Good people, they leave marks on each other." And if fate decided that they are no longer meant to be on the same path, "the least we could do is let them fade away naturally, not scrape them off or paint over them with new marks." 

One thing I now know for sure, we can never live without nobody else by our side. Believe it or not, the reason we have made it this far, most of the time, is a credit to the people who have been around since day one. For those who were there, but no longer stay, let them fade, and never try to put in the worthless effort of scraping them off. For those who are still here, hold them tight. You never know how much time you have left, how much longer they are going to stay. But I believe, He will always send somebody to be by your side whenever you have to face the fact that some people just had to leave and not to be part of your life story anymore, and will never come back for another new chapter.

Because He knows, we are just human. And it's just a perfectly normal human nature to be needed, loved and appreciated.

And you know, if back then, the thought of losing control over my own happiness is unbearable, now, it's the thought of losing people who had caused me to lose that control is even more unimaginable.

But despite the pain, the burden, the agony, I'm just holding on to the faith that, if love - for a family, a relative, a friend, a neighbour, a stranger, a partner - is a gift from God, then I believe, it's definitely something worth having :)

"The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable....

...You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering, 

that's the sad truth. That's the burden...

... Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs,

but they are a burden that lifts us...

They are a burden, that allows us 

to fly."