The White Shoes

I've been meaning to write something for the past week; more like, have been looking for motivation to write, or sometimes, inspiration to note something down. When one is there but not the other, it can be quite challenging to get my head around things I want to express or just to get my fingers tapping on this full-of-germ keyboard of mine (oh sorry I just found out that desktop keyboard has hundreds of times more bacteria than the toilet seat - erk what a gross way to start my entry)

Alright then, let me start this post with a story of 'The White Shoe' and we'll see where this will end up going because I don't really have a clue what this is gonna be about either lol (I'm writing today because I just feel like doing it huehue)

I think it was somewhere in October, when I went to a store in Camden with my sister and decided to get myself a new pair of shoes - because the one that I used to always wear was torn and not waterproof, and London was embracing its wet weather at that time (like it has always been). A pair of grey boots which was on sale caught my eyes. But my sister then showed me another pair of white sneakers that was also on sale, with a cheaper price. I don't remember exactly why I decided to ditch the grey boots, but I remember trying on the white pair and found them pretty comfy so I ended up bringing them home instead.

For one whole week, I kept on questioning (more like hating) myself for buying that pair of shoes. You see, I have always avoided buying 'white stuff'. I'm not a fan of 'cleaning stuff on a frequent basis', so I don't like seeing things get dirty and having to clean them so many times. Not sure if this makes sense but because I'm truly not a fan of spring cleaning, I usually keep my room fairly neat so I don't have to, you know, spend so much time cleaning up the mess. That goes to the dishes as well, lepas makan terus basuh pinggan ya anak-anak so you don't have a pile of dirty pans and plates stacking up by the sink because it will just make you moan first thing in the morning. That said, I'm certainly not the person in the family to propose a room or house makeover.

So you see, buying that pair of white shoes was like digging my own grave. After a week of wearing it, I could see that the shoe had gotten dirty and it irritated me A LOT. Now what, I have to polish my shoe every day, every week? Man *sigh*, I thought those were just gonna be my childhood nostalgia or something, and now it's back? I was definitely not asking for anything like this.

Days passed and I really hated looking at that shoe. But I had no choice because that's the only footwear I feel comfortable wearing while walking to my uni which is like a mile away so putting on comfy shoes is very important. So, to save myself from embarrassment and negative perception that I am not good at taking care of my personal hygiene, I had to take a 'day off' - of not wearing the shoe. I had to clean it, wipe it, and leave it to dry. I looked at it after I had cleaned it and left it by the sink, and it was all white. There was some feeling of satisfaction when I saw the shoe being spotless, but at that instant, a thought struck me.

Taking a day off for 'cleaning'. At that time, I spontaneously asked myself, "Wow wait a sec, when was the last time I did that to myself?"

Life has been a constant struggle but it's up to us to choose what really matters and what's really worth struggling for. And the more important thing is, most of the time, the only person who really care about how much you have done (and how much you are done with things), who really understand about your life battle and can take a good care of yourself - physically, mentally and spiritually - is you. No one is able to check out on you 24/7 so when things are going the way you don't really desire them to be, it's you who need to tell yourself to take a step back; re-evaluate the choices you've made in life.

What I am saying is that I finally realised that sometimes, I just got to 'stop walking and clean that damn shoes'. I just got to take some time to reflect upon what really matters and what really deserves my attention - and that includes 'cutting myself off' things that I think were the impediments to my journey of seeking a healthier mental and spiritual well-being.

Nonetheless, I am not saying that now I am soooo in love with the white sneakers. Not saying that I am going to buy more white clothes or bags either (still NO!), but I no longer regret buying that white pair. It reminds me that refreshing my tired self and purifying my souls require 'taking some time off' my conventional routine. And of course, cleaning the white shoe is not a one-off thing. Some time next week, next two weeks, in the next month, it's gonna get covered in soil and mud again and will need cleaning over and over again.

Isn't that how our hearts work too? If today I manage to perform my five daily prayers on time, read 10 pages of the Qur'an or articles on Islamic-related issues, watch educational videos, or even observe the voluntary fasting and feel good about my spiritual health, it doesn't mean that my heart is gonna be in that same healthy state forever. It's bound to get 'messed up' again for the next week, next two weeks, and probably even tomorrow. It requires intermittent, if not constant, check-up and 'cleaning', in the midst of my run-of-the-mill habit. It has not been easy but like I said, in the end, it's all up to me. I tend to beat myself up when I don't feel good about it on some days - but at least I need to take note and plan to do something about it. Hey, there is not a second in life that we're experiencing alone. He is always watching. But as much as we know that He would understand, we also know that it's all just a matter of priorities ;)

So to wrap up today's rant (which I think is all over the places), here's another reminder to my dear self on setting my priorities right;

The world is a vehicle. If you drive it, it will deliver you to your destination. If it drives you, you will be destroyed.

With that, let's remind ourselves that while it's hugely fundamental to have a clean living space, it's also equally essential to have a clear mind and a clean heart; because when your heart is impure or unwell, your mind shuts off... which is real bad because you are no longer thinking straight and you would eventually lose your sense of direction to your anticipated destination.

So let's spare some time (in our hectic or non-hectic life) to work on 'cleaning' our heart, so that we can make up our clear mind, and set our ultimate rightful destination in our GPS. Then bring only the luggage you really need and take a break at the R&R when you have to. And of course, drive safely!