Gratitude Note #1

I went to sleep yesterday thinking that tomorrow is just going to be another day, that tomorrow is just another day - what difference would it make? Being 22 years old or 23 years old based on my IC, no significant changes would happen I guess.

But when I woke up to the news of the death of Siti Sarah, one of the famous Malaysian singers whose songs I grew up with, it hit me that, it's not just another day. It's another day I actually get to live, another day I get to be with my family, another day I get to do good to others, another day I get to explore life possibilities, another day I get to dream about my yet to come future.

The day has been melancholic I would say. I am still haunted and surrounded the guilt of saying whatever crossed my mind before I slept last night. For the past year, I definitely have not been on top of my patience-and-gratitude game. Living in the present without thinking too much about the past and the future is something I constantly struggle with throughout my 22nd year of life, despite 22 being one of my favourite numbers.

I'm not planning to write a long post this time. But I truly truly treasure each and every person who has been with me, especially for the past year; who knew how tough the situation was or is for me right now, who went on to stay with me despite me not being my best version of myself and had nothing positive to offer, who never gave up in standing my side despite the countless demotivating days I have had.

Thank you Izzatul, for your never ending support from the first day we did our A levels. Like I said, I could never imagine how my life would be like without you. Thank you Faris, for the encouraging words and layan-ing my emo texts and all those 'you can talk to me' offers. Thank you Encik Shaiful, for the unwavering support ever since the first day I stepped into PPAG (eh wait our first meeting was somewhere else but nvm haha). I appreciate all the sacrifices you made every time I need to talk to someone who can really understand what we're passionate about: archaeology, and what only both of us can relate to. Thank you so much Raee, for always making yourself available, with no exception. Can't express how grateful I am that our bond and your support extend beyond my time in TFM, and I will never forget your ultimate offers of 'next time you're lost, you know who to find k'.

Not to forget, thank you Ruby, for always being there to pick up my calls and answer my endless random texts. Sorry for that one time I made you worried and stayed up beyond 12am holding on to our call because I was saying things I probably shouldn't be saying. This post would also be incomplete without saying thanks to you Pahsuk, for being my tasmik buddy, and penghibur at random times. May Allah reward you abundantly for all the time you spend in assisting me with my spiritual struggle, and I have to admit that our weekly/bi-weekly conversations have definitely made my 2021 a lot better.

Wow, now I realise there's actually gonna be a long list. But yeah these people also deserve credits for things they have done for me; the time they have spent with me or the kind words they have said to me, which helped me go through the super weird and twisted 2020-2021. Thank you Din, Amni, Alia Shafini, Miss Fatt, Kak Ummi, Melody, Afnan, Ilham, Hasif... And of course, this list is incomplete.

Most of the time I'm just left wondering about how people could have so much faith and confidence in me while I am here still struggling to find my own self-worth. But I guess it somehow brings some comfort to have these people who are always super thoughtful and understanding, and most importantly, supportive. Only He can repay the kindness of these people with such big hearts.

Last but not least, I owe to it to my parents for everything I have achieved and everything they have done for me for the past 22 years. Staying at home made me realise that I am indeed nowhere I am without them. Dear God, thank you for this opportunity to be with them while they're still here.

I guess that's all for tonight.

May the upcoming days bring out a better version of Hamizah :)

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