I finally had my graduation ceremony for my Bachelor's degree around two months ago - it was a pretty much delayed one and I have to admit that half of me wasn't really looking forward to it, but it all went well alhamdulillah. Well, it has been 2 years since I formally graduated, and my family wasn't even here to celebrate it so I felt like it wasn't really anything special, but I'm just still so glad that Kak Fina took some time off to see me walking across the stage on that day; it made me realise that this graduation was not only for me, but for so many other people 'behind the scenes' - the same people who keep on telling me how proud they are of me, while I struggle to find my own self-worth.
From the first day I stepped my foot on London ground to this every day, everything still feels surreal. "I think God has given me so much blessings," I told Kak Fina recently. I'm not being ungrateful, but I feel like I'm undeserving of this much things, especially from the One who really knows me inside out, not only my inner self but also my countless hidden flaws. Alhamdulillah, I guess He knows best. After all, this may also be a test. A test of gratitude that I also wish to pass, as it is with my other class tests.
(a bit random but nothing beats this doodle from @idotdoodle in response to how I've been feeling for the past year, and I hope it continues to serve as my gratitude reminder!)
Anyway, now that it all have come to a close, I thought I'd write up about some of the things that I have been wanting to share but never did. I joined an event organised by UCL Alumni back in March where we (the alumni) hosted breakout rooms and led sharing sessions with prospective UCL students, and I love how the prompts from the sessions made me reflect a lot on my UCL experience during my undergraduate years :)
I chose to study in UCL because it is one of the best universities in the UK and the world for my field of study, i.e. archaeology. In fact, UCL is one of the few universities in the UK that offers the joint degree of archaeology and anthropology, and I was so determined to study both subjects despite not really being 100% familiar with what the subjects were about (so the choices I had weren't that many). Upon my research into the degree that I was applying to in UCL, I found out about the compulsory 70-day fieldwork and the opportunity to have tutorials in museums, etc. from my department's website (I can still vividly remember my excitement when I first told Izzatul about it all the way back when I was in KY). I really value practical experience so that's a plus point, and the excursions are pretty much a bonus. So of course I've got to say, my UCL experience did meet the expectation I've had when I first applied, and in fact it could possibly have went way beyond that :)
If I am to think about the highlights of my time in UCL, there were just too many of them, way too many! But I'll keep this short since I'm pretty sure I've mentioned a lot of them in my previous posts as well. Even now, after 2 years of graduating, I'm so glad I've made the most out of my time in UCL. I was actively involved in a few clubs and societies: I was part of the UCL Students4Syria and UCL Museums Society committees, and I also joined the UCL Duke of Edinburgh society as a member. Apart from that I also pretty much enjoyed getting involved with extra-curricular activities while studying so I have been exploring a lot of long term and one-off volunteering opportunities throughout my undergraduate years. In fact, my weekly time out at the UCL Special Collections during my first year (on Wednesdays) and the Foundling Museum in my second year (on Saturdays) has helped my mental health a lot. My third year was quite hectic so I ended up helping out with one-off events like the Archaeology Open Day, the 'Tower Remembers' event at the Tower of London and the Hope For Bosnia humanitarian mission (that took a hard turn in the end due to the pandemic).
Needless to say, the opportunity to take part in archaeological fieldwork around the world and travel to some of the most amazing places on earth is one the best highlights of my time in UCL, if not the best :)
If there is anything I wish I had known before attending UCL, it would be the amount of support available to students. The HUGE amount of support available.
When I first came to UCL, I was introduced to 2 transition mentors - Vee (Vasudha) who was a third year student and Raluca who was a second year student - both whom I'm still in touch with and pretty much enjoy chatting and catching up with. Their support has been immensely helpful, both in terms of academic or moral support. I felt really comfortable asking about all sorts of questions to Vee, be it on essays, exams, tutorials or just ife updates. To be really honest, I couldn't have asked for better mentors ❤️
I was also assigned a personal tutor, Liz Graham, who had also been checking on me throughout the years. I am not naturally a support seeker, so it was actually a bit awkward for me to open up to her whenever I was going through a difficult time, so I never did. But her words had always comforted me every time I went to meet her and she had always assured me that learning is a constant process, so I shouldn't be too hard on myself when I still couldn't figure some things out. I wish I could have made better use of her pastoral support, but it's just the person I am.
It is only when I'm doing my masters that I'm aware of other academic support like the writing lab where you can actually have people go through your essay drafts and discuss improvements that can be made before actually submitting it. There's also some wellbeing support for those who need them, and careers support which seems to be actively organising appointments and events. In my experience, the askUCL platform and the IT support has also been very efficient in responding to inquiries. (I think I've been depending a lot on my friends and sponsor to relay support and information back then, whereas now I'm just exploring things on my own)
Also, I wish I was less intimidated than I had always been throughout my undergraduate years. I have been suffering from self-confidence and self-esteem issues for my whole life, so I think I was the person who kept on intimidating myself! XD In reality, all of my friends were all like me, we were just trying to figure out how things work and experiencing different sort of transitions in life in our own ways. I wish I could've been more aware of that and be more brave in making more friends and be involved with things in my department 😅
Nonetheless, despite of all of that, I still made it. I still somehow managed to graduate with a First Class Honours (!! ALHAMDULILLAH!!) when I thought that wasn't going to translate into reality anymore - the amount of pressure I've put on myself in my final year... Only the amount of tears can explain :') Even crazier, God blessed me with something I had never, ever, once, expected.
I still remember that one night in July 2020 when I was at home, waiting for my result and scrolling my phone and randomly checking my email before going to sleep. An unread email from my degree tutor appeared on my inbox. Ahh, even thinking about it now makes me feel like crying again, like I had on the night I read the email:
All the tears? All the confidence issues I had? All the pain? All the struggles I've had to endure? I guess it's all worth it in the end. To be honest, despite being 2 years old now, this news still feel surreal to me. I know deep inside, I don't deserve the award - I know tonnes of people who had done way better than I did in the course. Knowing how God has been keeping this from me for the 3 years I was just working hard to make everyone proud, is just priceless. His plans are always, always, beyond my expectations.
That particular moment of receiving the email, and all the three years of undergraduate that I have experienced had really taught me that hey, Allah has always got my back, I just need to have faith. Allah will always get it all sorted, I just need to do my best. He will always give the best, nothing less.
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Anyway, I'm taking some time off this blog, and this time I'm really not sure when I will be back, if ever. I had created this blog back in 2017 (it just turned 4 years and 8 months old today!) for the purpose of seeing my growth in personality and perspective over the years as I was going through so many changes in life - transitioning from an A-level college into being a university student, moving abroad and becoming an international student, slowly growing into being a young adult, etc. (Still can't believe that I was in my late teenage years when this blog first came into existence, and now I'm approaching my mid 20s, how time flies!)
Nonetheless, I can definitely say that every time I go back and read the posts I've previously written, I'm proud to see where I am now and how much I've grown, alhamdulillah. I'm proud of the person I am now, and I'm also proud of the person I used to be when I first started writing in this space. I'm glad she persevered through all the years (with all the help and support from so many people, of course!) and I'm pretty sure there are many more things coming in her way :) I do honestly wish to keep on sharing, but I also think this is a nice time and spot to close things up, with my final chapter of my undergraduate journey i.e. my graduation coming to a real, real close; 'things have come full circle', as they say.
I'll probably be back, and I hope when I do, I'll come back a much much wiser person :)
With that, I wish you all the best in your upcoming endeavours and I'm just going to remind you and myself that,
a good life is not all about having pleasing and precious moments, but how we cherish and make the moments precious and pleasurable.
Signing off,
the short wanderer (who are still wandering around!)
i also proud reading this
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