How to Handle E(X)

“What if I don’t get A*?”

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“What if I don’t have any positions in my college?”

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“What if I’m not good at speaking?”

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“What if I have to REPEAT MY PAPER??”

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E(X)=Expectations (it's a maths term I am so sorry if some of you are not aware huhu)

Being in a position where you left your high school as the best student of the batch will evidently got yourself caught in a net full of terribly high expectations and high hopes horribly haunting after you (too many adverbs yet it's still inadequate to describe how I really felt in those days).

Wow, best student. Wow, doing A-level for 18 months?! Crazy. Wow, a scholar? Wow, that scholarship? Wow, amazing!

And all those things they found out about me…in which will all eventually come to the exact same final mutual statement:

“You must the genius brightest smartest one lorh”

All I can do is just grinned, and say, “No lah, of course I’m not”.

But (obviously), no one would believe what I said. And there goes another expectation after another meeting or session of ‘getting-to-know-me’ when all they did was actually ‘getting-to-know-what-I’ve-got’ (erk…I don’t know)

A-levels, and things got real. “Life is like a wheel, sometimes you’re on the top and there will be times when you’ll be at the bottom” That’s Cikgu Hasneeza, my primary school maths teacher’s favourite quote, and I have always believed in what he said. Expectations and pressure weren’t the things I got to know too well before I got into KY, and I have to thank KY for teaching me those lessons in my life. Funnily enough, those things that have been affected me a lot were actually, things I got to deal with while living under other people’s expectations and pressure, not even mine.

I can’t deny the presence of the pressure of being a scholar under the tight supervision of my sponsor. Despite being in the ‘Diamond’ house in KY, I don’t really shine that bright. The 3As requirement that my sponsor put onto us was something I had never achieved in any of my semester exams. I started with an AABC for my first exam, and things just revolved around the same circumstance; the only thing that changed was the subjects that the grades belong to, they were just having fun shuffling around (*sigh*)

My friends from my high school were kind enough to reach out to me at times, calling or texting this girl who’s living in the middle of nowhere in Hulu Selangor. When I told them about my academic matters, they had doubts. Things were hard but they have always believed that things were okay for me (I think they just believed I can handle things on my own lol but thanks for still listening to my rant :’) hahaha). Despite not being one of the bright students in class, surprisingly, my teachers still have faith in me. I remembered Miss Yatie telling me that she believed I could get the highest grade for the subject if I work really hard, even though she knew I just got an E for my Biology class test at that time. How can I not be touched?

How can I not have the confidence in my own self when everyone else was pinning their faith in me? Yes, it is about expectation. But at the same time it is about motivation and of course a little bit of pressure just for the sake of a small push and gentle self-reminder. I realised that I can never run away from other people’s expectations; be it my sponsor, my family, my teachers or even my friends. But I went through everything by living it within my own expectations.

I took up a few minor roles for my extra-curricular activities, just for the things that I really enjoyed doing. I didn't force myself to get into something I don't actually like, just for the sake of impressing others or furnishing my personal statement. I don’t usually have high expectations on myself, not because of the lack of confidence but it is just my way of “hoping for the best and preparing for the worst”. I pushed my effort to the highest limit, studied all night, read course books from the content page to the glossary, scribbling tonnes of foolscap papers to answer past years, sacrificed my free time to meet teachers and ask questions, wrote piles of notes and filled the wall of my room with biological processes and so on. But how would I know if what I did was ever going to be enough?

Every single time our exam results were handed back to us, all I can do was to be mentally prepared, putting my expectation on the lowest point and figuring out what to do if this happens and what to do if that happens etc. I could never be too much bothered about my exam results; they weren’t that good anyway to talk about so I just moved on to studying for the next exams. Well, sometimes I did get tired of studying too hard and yes, I did wonder why, why, why I still did not get the high grades that I want. The fear of not passing the requirement of my university and my sponsor made it worse. Crying becomes my new hobby, and I didn’t get sick of that after all.

That was when ‘tawakkal’ comes into place, which is Kak Sakinah’s favourite advice.

No matter how many hours I had gave up on my sleep, how many essays I had written in a day, how much tears rolled on my cheek, at the end of the day…

He’s the one who will do the rest.

So I told myself:

“If all my sponsor can do is to invest their time and money, if all my family can do is to invest their thoughts and prayers, if all my teachers can do is to invest their guidance and hope, and if all my friends can do is to invest their support,

…then all I have to do is to invest my effort, and of course, my trust. The trust and reliance in Him that His plans are always the best, and He will get me through anything that He puts me through, as long as I do my part; respecting others’ belief in me, as well as respecting my own self ability.”

A day before our result day, which was also my birthday, I was texting Husna,

and like always, Allah gave me not what I wanted, but simply what I need. Alhamdulillah, to my huuuuge surprise, I got what I thought would be, 'more than enough' huehuehue

So to whom it may concern, good luck in surviving KY muahahaha (jk), and all the best everyone in everything that you guys are doing too :D

by the way, please pray that hopefully, I am still gonna be doing what I did, Amiiiiin. #examscomingsooooooon

Bismillahi tawakkaltu ‘alallah :)