Quarantine Notes

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

The past month has been a long ride, especially with a lot of unexpected things that were happening - the sudden travel arrangement, the cancelled flights, the unexpected transfer and much longer quarantine period, and so on. Looking at how stressful the situation was, I thought I was coping with it badly, but I was surprised to find out that I was actually dealing with it better than some people. Nonetheless, the past week has been physically and mentally draining! I guess God knows I couldn't bear with anything more than what I've went through hence I am where I am at this very moment. No words can describe how grateful I am to be where I am today. 

I don’t usually write stuff that I don’t feel good about. But since this was an exceptional situation, I think it forms an important part of my life. Also, since our perspectives change as we grow, I hope there's always something new that I can learn from it whenever I look back to this period in another three, five or ten years.

When I was in DITC for my (additional) quarantine, I have been writing long notes in my personal journal every single day - something I did only once or twice a month during my term-time. While it felt really therapeutic to be able to reflect about myself as I have a lot of time in my hands, my mental health was actually in a very bad state. I mostly wrote about sad things, and I can't help feeling upset about everything that I was thinking of at that time.

DITC Day 3 (Quarantine Day 17)

"...And I have never felt this upset before. Nowadays, I go to sleep thinking that my mental health is deteriorating, like I’m on the verge of something but I am not sure what is it. All I know is I can only pray before I close my eyes, that God will save me from whatever pit I’m falling into.

I have never been in a situation this difficult before. Usually, when I am upset about something, it will quickly go away, and I can even forget how and how long it happened. But this time... I’ve been crying every other day for the past few days...

I was never like this. I am usually, the ‘redha’ type - I accept whatever I can have, I adapt, and I don’t complain much. But this time, everything is wrong; not the tangible stuff – the place is fine, the room is okay, the food is good, the facility and service is fine (thanks to archaeology, really, I’ve gone through a lot worse). But things are just off to me. Everything is wrong with me. A lot of intangible things are making me feel uncomfortable. 

Does this sound really bad? I don’t know if this is normal in unprecedented times like this, but I really, really don’t like whatever I’m feeling.

God, please, this sounds scary so please,

Save me from myself."

DITC Day 8

"It has been a week now and it’s really challenging not to have a personal space. I desperately want to jump off this window beside my bed and run to the nearest open field and scream on top of my lung...

While I’ve been fairly productive (I think) for the past week despite the emotional struggle that I had to deal with, today I still can’t help having 'that thought' over and over again....

...I don't feel good. Because I don’t feel like this is me.

God, God, God, why am I feeling this way?"

There were a lot of things that I was bothered with at that time, but I wasn't having the mental breakdown 24 hours a day. It came intermittently, but it also came unexpectedly. Like I could be reading a research paper on my laptop, but seconds later I found myself crying because I suddenly remembered someone or I missed someone or something so badly. Or I could be feeling really exhausted so I wanted to call it a day and was so ready to go to sleep, but I suddenly caught myself sitting on the bed for God knows how long, staring out of the window thinking why I felt so alone and unloved. It was indeed a very odd period for me, partly because I think of very odd things.

And yeah, I guess He knows I couldn't bear it any longer so not long after that I got a call from the bilik gerakan, for a notice of discharge. I felt like crying when I got that call. I was and am so, so glad that I got to be out before my mental health gets worse.

Today, I saw a friend of mine posted on Facebook. She was (probably still is) having a very hard time - "one of the hardest days I've had since this shelter in place started", she said. She felt extremely tired, sad and unmotivated despite being someone who is always on the go and has always been making sure that everyone else is taken care of. I guess in times like this, it's normal to 'not feeling yourself' and struggle in finding a way out - at least, that's what I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks. I am glad she reached out (on her social media) and asked on things she can do to help her mental health. I hope she feels better soon.

Now that I'm safely home - after a total of 22 days of quarantine phew - and currently trying to adapt with working on my university assignments from my 'real home', I'm not sure how this will go about for another few weeks or months, but Kak Ummi's writing speaks to me in times like this:

"In life, we will always go through struggles.

Some may be easy, some may take longer than others,

and some may make us lose hope.

But in the end, those struggles teach us a lesson. 

The lessons we won't get in books but only through experience.

Have hope, and believe what is bestowed upon us is the best for us."

Like I said in my previous post, my patience and sense of gratitude are being very heavily tested. That said, I hope putting this here will reminds me to practice more patience, and insya Allah, to do whatever it takes to help myself in becoming a stronger person.

"Sabr (patience) isn't passive. 

It doesn't mean you do nothing and let everything wash over you.

It means striving and not frequently complaining.

It means that you constantly control yourself in regards to your words and action.

Sabr isn't easy. Sabr is tiring.

But it will be worth it in the end."