'Single' Now, What's Next?

"...the questions that probably run through your mind would be, 'What's next?', 'How do I proceed with my life right now?'..." Nur said.

"Those are genuine questions that a lot of people asked after being in a long-term relationship, after they have invested all of their time, all of their effort, and they have expressed all of their love for that particular person. They have cared for that person for so long." Ustaz Mizi responded.

In my case, it's not a person. It's a long term relationship I have been in for the past 15 to 16 years. A relationship that has formed quite a substantial part of me. I have sacrificed my time, my energy, and even my love life (?) for it. 

...

(Okay I'm not really sure about the last one - well, when I was in school I don't think that a love life is necessary anyway, and knowing my 'easily distracted' self, I think it would probably bring more harm than good to my studies huehue)

Funnily enough, the topic of this podcast co-hosted by Nur Adam and Ustaz Mizi resonates with me from a particularly different angle. 

Dato' Dr Fadzilah Kamsah once said,

Bercintalah dengan pelajaran (ilmu), bertunanglah dengan mengulangkaji (sifat rajin), berkahwinlah dengan peperiksaan (ujian), dan berbulan madu lah dengan kejayaan. 

Yes, I've been in a relationship with studying for so long. And when my dissertation supervisor asked me if I am ready to be done with my degree, I told her I have mixed feelings about graduating, 

but the truth is, I am definitely not ready for that.

Ustaz Mizi continued, 

"Now suddenly they have to deal with the reality that, they have to start again with nothing."

"That's usually the question, you know, 'What do I do now?', 'Do I take a break?'"

I honestly cannot imagine how my life would be outside of an academic world. What do I do next? How do I get the ball rolling? Do I get down to the business of commencing my career journey? Well, that's where society would expect me to be. But dealing with company projects are not similar to completing university assignments. I used to be excited to start working after graduating. Learning new stuff! Something I had always looked forward to! But now, I keep on thinking, am I actually ready for that? As for now, I don't think so. Why?

Whenever anyone asked me, "grad tahun ni ke?" or "oh dah nak habis dah?", I became speechless. Probably 10% upset. For some reasons, those questions and comments about my graduation or completion of undergraduate studies always trigger a rush of emotions that I can't explain. All I know is, I am not ready to 'break up' with studying.

But that just simply means I am holding myself back from heading towards the betterment of my life and running away from that path of growth, isn't it?

That thought makes me think of one thing that Nur said in the podcast on taking the next step: setting your intention right when you embark on this new chapter of your life. 

For the next few months, since my future seems very unclear to me now, it's time to 're-calibrate' my life. I have to be ready to adapt to a 'new normal'. My dissertation is due today, and once the deadline has passed I need to find things to look forward to. And as I've said in a preceding post; I have to make the most out of this break to review my life goals.

Coincidentally, Syafini posted a lyric video of this one song; 'Tomorrow, Today' on her WhatsApp status recently, and I can't help putting this here because I can relate to it so much at this point (sorry guys, I am yet to write a lyrics-free post for this month hahaha)

Why must I decide about tomorrow, today?

How would I know what tomorrow will bring?

My path and my dreams are fading

If I could go forward in time and see my future

I would know which way to go

I would know where my path is

 

Why are you telling me to choose which one to go with, 

When I only have my eyes half-open?

Somebody let me know, tell me which way to go

Cause I don’t, don’t, don’t know

 

Answering the never-ending questions even on a busy day

I’m going forward but I keep looking back

What will I become at the end?

Will I regret it if I look back later on?

 

I clench my fists but I’m still timid

But I stop myself 

And try to have courage

So I can walk again

 

Today, there are questions I don’t know the answer to

But I hesitantly answer them again

Is it this way or that way?

I’m afraid of my decision

With an anxious mind

I’m standing in front of the next choice

Between paths that I’ve never gone on before

Will I ever find my way among these paths? 

I’m afraid, with each passing day

Tell me, tell me

So tell me which way to go

I was not sure of what to conclude my post with since I'm myself not certain of the answer to the question in the title of my own post. But I am suddenly reminded of this one wonderful note I received in one of AlMaghrib Institute's newsletters in March. The writer of the newsletter generally talked and reflected on the Istikhara prayer (the Prayer of Consulting God), which I bet a lot of you have heard of before (UNIC even made a nasyid version of it here). She wrote on how the prayer is a powerful tool that the Prophet taught us in regard to guidance. She wrote;

"There's a lot of beauty in this prayer, and of that beauty is that sometimes you may really want to go in a particular direction. Like really, really want it."

Personally, I can totally relate to this statement, since no matter how much I try to have self-control, deep down in my heart I know that I do have a wish on what I want my next chapter to be. But, like what the writer reflected in the newsletter, our knowledge of the future is limited; therefore we submit our knowledge to His Knowledge, which is perfect, and we submit our choice to His. Towards the end of the e-mail, she then brought our attention to the last part of the prayer, which I think is the most beautiful part of it. She wrote;

"But you also know that Allah is the controller of all hearts including yours and so the prayer ends with: 'and choose for me what is good wherever it may be, and make me pleased with it.'"

'ثم ارضني به'. 'Make me pleased with it'. Isn't that such a beautiful way to hand over your trust to God?

Since she referred to this prayer as 'the tool for guidance', I find it interesting that Ustaz Mizi ended the podcast that I was listening to with a prayer as well; with part of it reads like this:

    "Oh Lord... Plan for me, and do not plan against me. Guide me, and make guidance easy for me."

Living in a time where things are even more unpredictable and unforeseeable than it was before,  I guess this will be the time I am in need of guidance more than ever. Hopefully this will suffice for now in making me feel hopeful and optimistic, and not having the anxiety about the future :)