Surat Cinta: Fitrah

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Rasa cinta fitrah manusia

Have you ever felt so restless, having someone at the back of your mind almost all the time? Have you ever wondered about how someone is doing almost every single second? Have you ever felt like you wanted to meet someone so badly, though you have just met them recently? Have you ever felt like giving them a call or buy them presents for no reason? Have you ever thought that, you might have just fallen in love??

Calm down. It's fitrah. There's nothing wrong with falling in love - it's not forbidden, but even encouraged to do so!

It probably started with a state of denial, when you first have that thought of "do I or do I not like him/her?" for days, or weeks, or even months. Denial, I said, as you started to find reasoning or excuses behind everything that you're feeling; “Ahh, that can’t be it, I haven’t known him for long.” “Ahh, maybe I’m feeling this way because I’ve been spending too much time talking to her.” “Ahh, maybe it’s a coincidence we have a lot of mutual interests.” And then you started feeling confused, thinking if your heart was playing your mind. You cried, because you have never felt so clueless before. You prayed to God - more like begging Him, not to let you live your life that way; basically, you felt mentally exhausted. 

Have you ever felt this way before? Oh well, I can hear you telling me, 'that was just the beginning!'.

Then, you took a break. The time you had been praying for finally came. The time where you could be alone and have a private and straightforward conversation with God. Matter of heart is so delicate that you had to take this more serious than anything else at that time, huh? You took the time to calm yourself down. You told yourself how it’s just normal to have feelings for someone, and how you shouldn’t be freaking out as if the world is ending. You took the time to observe your own thoughts and feelings towards things that were happening to you, and even longer time to understand and comprehend what it meant… to yourself. 

Long story short, you took the courage to let the person know how you felt. You were thinking that, "any truth is better than indefinite doubt". But things started to become even more complicated than before, wasn't it? You were thinking if...

“We opened a door neither of us want to walk through”

But you had never given up on it. You had never thought of letting it go. You were determined that 'the love you share was never made to die'. You were determined to 'share your joy and your pain'. You were ready to embark on this journey together. You thought to yourself, "this is going somewhere, I believe"

You didn’t know where it was going though, but you kept on praying to God that He will guide you in everything you're doing. You didn't want your feelings to mislead you and obscure your rationality, so you asked: “God, don’t let me go”. He knows the good and the bad behind something, while you don’t most of the time, so you said please… "Don’t. Walk. Away." 

"Dear God, please don’t walk out on me."

You reminded yourself countless times: Never take Him out of the equation.

"Ya Allah, ku mohon apa yang telah Kau takdirkan

Ku harap dia adalah yang terbaik buatku

Kerana Engkau tahu segala isi hatiku

Pelihara daku dari kemurkaanMu"

And, just when you thought that, "oh I think we can do this together", circumstances changed unexpectedly.

"Some people stop and some people stare

I'm hearing whispers that you no longer care

Should I stay, should I turn away?

Stop playing games now you know it's not fair"

You were then busy distracting yourself with a lot of things; you don’t like it when things hold you back from moving your life forward. And you were thinking if God can give you something, He can definitely take them away from you too. And you accepted that because you have always believed, He knows best. Who are you to say that you know what is and what is not meant for you? But moving on was still a daily struggle for the first few months – even just listening to songs could make you cry.

Have you ever felt your heart broke and you had no idea what you were supposed to do? 

You don’t think it's wrong to feel sad and disappointed. Those feelings are fitrah too. But at the same time you do think that it’s not healthy if you don’t take any time at all to heal; so you let yourself ‘feel’ those things, and when you accidentally reminisced the past, you find someone you can talk to about it – probably after crying in your room alone while having your own private conversation like always. "Never skip the healing process!" said Ustaz Mizi.

Moving forward? Here's a word of wisdom that might be of a help (more like a reminder) for those who need it:

Moving on is an endless cycle. (On) some days you'll feel like you're completely over them and (on) other days you still feel their presence even though they're not there physically. But the most important thing is to not give up, as something better is in store for you.

For me personally, I believe that moving on is not a destination. It’s a journey. Whether you can get over someone completely, I can’t say for sure. As for now, I don’t think you can ever do that. It’s just the way you deal with it that differs and progresses over time, I think. 

(p/s: Ustaz Fakhrul pesan, bukan semua yang Allah izin itu dia redha; ha apatah lagi yang Dia tak izin 😌 maka sahabat2 yang dikasihi sekalian, apapun yang terjadi, carilah redhaNya :D )

All in all, no matter how deep you have fallen or are falling in love with someone, remember where and whom to turn back to. Whether you are clueless or you have things in control, never take Him, who owns the heart, out of the equation, regardless of the situation.

Ya Tuhanku, yang Maha Pengasih

Engkau sahaja pemeliharaku

Dengarkan rintihan hambaMu ini

Jangan Engkau biarkan ku sendiri

Agarku bisa bahagia 

Walau tanpa bersamanya

Gantikanlah yang hilang

Tumbuhkan yang telah patah

Ku inginkan bahagia

Di dunia dan akhirat

PadaMu Tuhan 

Ku mohon segala

"... trust that if we fall, 

Allah will catch us every time."

:) 

Lyrics quoted from: 'Don't Let Me Go' by Westlife, 'Kalimah Cinta' and 'Doa Seorang Kekasih' by Inteam