Thank You, 2020!

It has been a year like no other. Not only because of the pandemic or outbreak or lockdown etc, but also due to the fact that I'm stuck at a junction where I have no clue of where to go and just spend almost the whole year trying to figure things out (and guess what, I still am). Spotify summarised it well for me this year; my top song for 2020 is 'Tomorrow, Today' in which the lyrics I have also quoted in a post I wrote back in May, and the song has indeed been put on repeat for the rest of the year ever since haha

 

Oh wait, hello! I hope the past few months have been good to you. Oh, how I miss writing. Or rather, I miss being able to write. It has been a struggle to pour out my thoughts into words. Remember how I said writing is part of my mental therapy? That said, yes, I did have days where I feel like my sanity is threatened as I'm not able to do proper reflections though I am still able to journal on my bad days. I tried writing in October and November but it felt so odd and fake as I was trying to be positive and put up a cheerful mood or tone to my writing when in fact I actually wasn't. So, alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah for this day! 😭

As 2020 is bringing its curtain down, I think it's a bit unfair not to wrap it up properly and formally, given the things that I (and all of us) have gone through for the past year. There are sooooo many things to learn from this extraordinary period, but I am here to share some of the top things I have discovered and internalised from the struggles and unprecedented challenges I have faced this year.

1. Being Positive vs. Being Happy

My initial phase of being a graduate has been filled with anxious and depressing days; I personally think I didn't get to prepare myself mentally or even physically for a post-graduating life. A lot of things happened one after another with things that seem to change all the time and I just couldn't really focus on my own life, hence I was constantly struggling with making plans and finding a way to move forward. The state of my mental wellbeing fluctuated like the Covid-19 cases, and there were days where I beat myself up so hard since I felt like I was (or am) not being a good Muslim because I felt dejected. I kept on questioning myself if I was actually not 'redha' with what has been decreed or with things that have not been going as planned.

Until, I saw an IGTV by Yaqeen Institute (somewhere towards the end of October) on sadness and faith. Part of the script says: "The greatest of people that walked on this Earth (such as Prophet Muhammad, Yusuf and Yaaqub) grieved deeply, and yet they had the best relationships with Allah, the highest of Iman." 

After watching the IGTV, it suddenly hit me that, even Prophet Muhammad, in his sirah (life history) had a whole year that was called the 'Year of Sorrow', in which his beloved wife Khadijah and his uncle cum protector Abu Talib passed away. Even the Prophet himself grieved - because he was also a human being. What makes me, as a normal and very much ordinary human being, able to escape feeling sad then? Nothing. Because I am indeed a normal being, created to experience emotions. And sadness is definitely not an exception. 

As I pondered upon that fact, I realised that I can be sad, but at the same time can still be optimistic about the future. I can feel downhearted, but still have faith in His plans. I can have gloomy days, but still be hopeful about what tomorrow has to bring. These thoughts then lead me back to one of the key takeaways from the IGTV I watched: Sadness is not a sign of week Iman, in fact, the struggles are the opportunity to gain closeness to Allah. 

"Staying positive doesn't mean that you have to be happy all the time. It means that even on hard days you know that there are better ones coming." 

(This is probably going to be my favourite quote of 2020, that I wish someone has told me way earlier haha but anyway, it's better late than never) 

2. 'Expect' the Unexpected

'Hope for the best, prepare for the worst' has been one of my favourite life mottos since high school days. When people say prepare for the worst, nothing like Covid-19 (and its appendages, if I may call it) has ever come to my mind, of course. So 2020 is taking my understanding of the phrase 'expect the unexpected' to the next level. The 'unexpected' is not something that is least likely to happen, but something that you had never ever expected or even thought that it could happen. 

In regard to this whole idea of 'expecting the unexpected', I personally feel that the pandemic has taught me to learn to become someone who is more adaptable and flexible to changes, especially the sudden ones. In one of my check-in sessions, my internship manager shared with me a concept I was totally unfamiliar with which is called VUCA; an acronym that stands for volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity, and it's a concept that's widely acknowledged or adopted by companies when it comes to organisational strategies. 

But that's technically what life generally is right? Volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous. And what a way for me to have learnt about it, which is through an outbreak that has brought along a ridiculous amount of uncertainties we have to deal with, in addition to the existing complexity and volatility that life already has. So yeah, nowadays, I just keep the most unexpected thing at the back of my mind in every single aspect of life, while silently hoping that these series of unanticipated events will help me develop and build up my resilience and adaptability, as I am preparing myself to brave what the future holds :)

3. The 'Real Faith'

"Everyone is a believer when things are going fine. The real faith is when one becomes patient with tribulations." - Sheikh Hamza Yusof

I have probably shared this quote before, but it is only this year (and specifically, the second half of 2020) that I am able to truly comprehend what this quote really means. It is only when one is faced with trials and tribulations that they can find out if they are a true believer. On bad days, when nothing you're hoping for is going the way you wanted it to, when everything you have worked on didn't give out the result you had hoped for, it is a lot easier to lose hope and be consumed with despair. This is the actual period where your trust in God is really tested, and not when things have been smooth sailing. 

Reflecting on my first point, when these things happened, it is okay to feel hurt. But you need to have the courage and desire to heal. And the best advice I have gotten to go through this period is a quote sent by one of my good friends to me:

"Whatever you're healing from, be patient with yourself. Healing takes time. One minute you feel better, the next minute you're down again. Expect the highs and lows. Seek your strength from the Almighty. Only He can heal you. Have faith in the process. You'll emerge stronger!" - Mufti Ismail Menk

The journey of faith is not linear. It goes up and down - it constantly fluctuates. Our job is to make sure that we don't lose that faith, as we navigate ourselves through our journey in this world. 

--

That turns out to be longer than what I had expected (oh well I thought you just said expect the unexpected, no?) I hope my writing skills are not rusty yet though haha

Anyway, no matter how 2020 has been treating you, I hope that you have been able to learn something out of it and more importantly, I hope there are things that you have been grateful for, regardless of how little or insignificant it may seem. 

On a side note, if you have been having things hard on your end, and the past year has been making you feel low and hopeless, I hope you give yourself time and space to reflect and oversee things while not trying to rush the process - let things properly sink in! In spite of the challenging times, I hope and pray that we will all be able to keep our trust and faith in God, and insya Allah, let us all pray that better days are here to come :)

"No one can surely say what each of the setbacks in our lives meant, or what their supposed wisdoms are. But if we believe in al-Hakeem, the Most Wise, then we will surely be able to trust that all of them happened for a good reason.

And 2020, happened for us, not against us. ✨" - Mizi Wahid