Let's Be Real

I came across something from a book I re-read quite recently; it would be a bit long of a quote from a book since I want to provide some context, so here it goes:

"In my final week of my internship... there were suddenly a few job openings in that organisation. A fellow intern friend suggested that I applied, especially since "I had the right qualifications" for one of the positions on offer. I obviously said no... I told her, "my plan was never to work for anyone", and "especially not for this organisation"... Her unyielding persistence was impossible to ignore. So... I submitted a bare form... A few weeks later... I got shortlisted... Three stages of interview later, I was hired."

Okay, that (partially trimmed quote from the book) was just the context. The real content that I 'tagged' using a green sticky note in the book is...:

"How did I feel? To be honest, I had mixed feelings. A part of me felt really disappointed with the new direction that my life was taking me. Felt like I've betrayed myself and the dreams I had set my heart on by taking this job. But another part of me felt extremely grateful because I knew that I was blessed enough to overcome the odds (against other better candidates)..."

- Quoted from 'The Art of Letting God' by Mizi Wahid

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I am quite taken aback with firstly, how I can totally resonate and relate to what the author was feeling when he got the unexpected job offer; secondly, with how similar the circumstances he was facing with the one I'm currently going through at the moment.

It would be an utter deception (not only to other people, but also to myself) to say that I'm totally okay with everything that is currently taking place in my life. When I laid my eyes upon the words "I had mixed feelings" while reading the author's recount of his experience, I find that it is also the best way to describe what's going on in my heart and mind at the moment. 

Back in 2016 or 2017, while I was doing my A-levels, I remember having a sharing session with an alumnus of my scholarship organisation in my sponsor's office. As far as I can remember, she used to study PPE (Politics, Philosophy and Economics) or something along those lines during her undergraduate years in the UK. However, she then told us (the current scholars) that she was working (I think she served her scholarship bond there as well) at a company (let's just call it, XXX) for a children show.

I, distinctly remember telling a friend right after the sharing session ended, 

"I don't want to study and end up working at the XXX company. Why is she working there? It has nothing to do with PPE. After graduating, I want to do something related to my degree."

I can still vividly remember how adamant I was on my stance. To be fair, I was constantly adamant, even to the last day of my undergraduate studies.

And guess what? A year after my status changed from a student to a graduate, I got a job offer from the so-called XXX company; the company I once used to say "I don't want to end up working at."

I guess at this point you can tell why I was having mixed feelings. On one end, I really felt like I was betraying my own dreams. I repeatedly asked myself, what happened to my strong insistence and passion of being an advocate of history, heritage and not to say, archaeology? It's not too much to say I was slightly heartbroken every time that question sprang to mind. It's also not too much to say it felt as if my whole dream just shattered, into pieces that I can't seem to find a way to fit them all back together.

p/s: I still get triggered every time my parents asked me about job applications (or even when they talk to each other about it!) - I guess, that says something.

But on the other side, as disappointed as I was that I may end up taking a different route to the start of my career journey, I was also extremely grateful. Not because I managed to overcome the odds of going against other candidates (because I am personally not aware how many candidates I was up against and how competitive the position is), but the odds of getting a job offer in the midst of a very challenging time for everyone, including fresh graduates and job seekers.

I continued (re-)reading the story of Ustaz Mizi's early career journey: he revealed that two-and-a-half years later, his original aspirations got to him in the end. 'The brief stint', as he called it, ended up being a meaningful journey as he was blessed with the opportunity to gain a lot of learning experience before he started his own business.

The phrases 'brief stint' and 'learning experience' remind me of another detour God had beautifully set in my life. And that being my 6-month long internship with a quite well-known NPO in the country, but I think I'll save that story for another time, if God wills.

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At this point I think I'm probably far from fully coming to terms with a lot of things that are happening in life at the moment, despite the fact that it has been more than a year since life has been taking a lot of interesting and unexpected turns. It's a fact I can't deny; well, why should I? I'm just a flawed human being, who is in a constant need of patience, who is constantly trying to seek for faith and strength. "Just dealing with mood swings and unstable emotions", I responded to a friend's query of my wellbeing. I have always been a reserved person, even when one speaks about my state of (mental or physical) health - 'I'm okay' has always been my default response regardless of how I actually felt. That said, it took me by surprise when I casually confided to the same friend that lately it has been hard for me to have the mindset of 'being grateful with what we have and carry on forward'. (But I do really appreciate you checking on me every now and then, Faris :))

Nowadays, even if I manage to wrap my head around things before I sleep, I'll most likely have the same doubts and questions in my head again the next morning. It's one of my hardest struggles throughout this pandemic, and I need to be constantly reminded of the bright side of things, the silver linings, the so-called blessings in disguise. It takes time, I know. Being adaptable and resilient takes a lot of time and effort. But, as much as I want to feel okay and be my old positive high-spirited self very very soon, I've promised myself to learn to take things slow and not trying to rush the process - as another friend has (probably countlessly) told me, "Don't be too hard on yourself!"

Well, it seems like there's not much I can do, but I can't give up no matter how exhausting life feels like right now, right? On another note, I'm trying to get another reminder from the same book to sink in. Putting it here because who knows, it may benefit another struggling soul as well.

"Sometimes when we think we're ready for something, we may be wrong. Never be insulted by the idea that you could be better. God, with His infinite wisdom decided that I should take a detour, and He knows best... 

Never allow your disappointments to perpetuate, and then stall your life. Believe that nothing just happens. Instead, everything happens for a good reason. And everything happens for you, not against you."

With that, take care! (And I really and deeply mean it! Take a very good care of your physical health because coronavirus is being so virulent and wild nowadays, and take a very good care of your mental health because we all know how tough things are) Praying for the end of a pandemic soon hopefully so that things get much much better, insya Allah :)

p/s: I've previously written my first personal reflection of 'The Art of Letting God' here