Ramadan Reflection: You're Not Alone

"I don't mind not waking up tomorrow"




A small thought, though seems very short but can't be more compelling enough to let her sense hit the ground. She had it in her head every single night; those days, and for once she didn't even have the courage to stand up on her own.


Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go

She was lying on bed, preparing herself to sleep. She tried, but she just couldn't, so she ended up staring at the ceiling. The room was a bit too quiet; she couldn't help from not letting all sorts of problems that existed around her came into her mind, definitely was not helping in any way to help her getting some rest. There wasn't any peace amidst the silence, and her thoughts wandered too far that she came to one point when she told herself, she really don't mind not waking up tomorrow, because she just can't bear the pain of living anymore. Everything was just so painful, and she couldn't find the reason why holding on would make her happy anyway. She just couldn't rise, and there's no spirit left in her to lift herself up too.


I'm awake but my world is half asleep
Where I'm going is anybody's guess

The only reason to wake up and go to classes during those days was just because she didn't want to add more trouble to the troubles she already had at that moment; basically saying no to having any attendance issues that will end up worrying her parents or make her get scolded by her teachers. Sometimes, she did focus in class. Some other time, her hypersomnia overtook her. Most of the time, she was wondering why she was still there and need to go through all the things she was living with. Regular days passed by. Seems regular, but for her, it was such a torture. Some parts of her were just dead inside, the remaining parts were paralysed, might just be too tired to continue life. And the cycle continued for days, and then weeks; a day that began with waking up in the morning just for the sake of routine and ended up on bed with a hope that she won't see the sun rise the next morning.

At that time too, she always had the thought her life is going to be very very short, or in other words, she felt that she would not live that long. Though it should have been a motivation for her to give the best out of her as there isn't such a thing like a guaranteed tomorrow, she had no idea why the thing that made her feel a bit better was the thought that this pain will end very very soon. That the pain will go away, one day, with her, of course, out of this world.

She knew, her life was deteriorating. She used to be in a place where she was a much better person; though some parts of the place reminded her of bad moments and memories, but it was still a place that moulded some bits and pieces of her into who she was at that moment, if not that much. But at that time, things weren't the same anymore.


I tried to go on like I never knew You

Without the strength to live life, she silently hoped that she would be gone soon, because she could see no other way for the pain to be killed. Little she realised she was losing her faith. But people who know her well would have known that she's the girl with endless whys. Another day passed was always accompanied with another question asked,

Why am I doing all this?
What is the purpose of life?
Why am I here?
Why am I still alive?
Why am I even alive in the first place?

And so on.
Questions never end. Sometimes the thoughts repeated themselves. But then... answers eventually came.

Without You within me I can find no rest 
Without You all I am going to be is 
Incomplete

* * *

The moment that she realised she was about to cross the line and make another mistake, there isn't a word to describe how really, truly, genuinely, grateful she is, until now, that God once chose her to be the one whom He set free and made strong, despite the fact that she once thought winning the battle was against all the odds that she gave up in the middle of the way. Ever since that moment came, the reason behind all the smiles that have been concealing all her tears is just for Him, and the peace that she now holds in her heart is for nothing but His love.

It's the day she started to believe, true love does meet you in your mess.

She has been praying hard that God won't put her in such a position again, even if all He wants is to revive her soul. She is not sure if she is strong enough to go through such a pain all over again.

But she's a human, not an angel.
Like the temperature in London that keeps going up and down, so does her faith.

Nonetheless, she is trying to make sure that empty spaces always fill her up with hopes, since she now realised that if the thought about her would not live that long is actually not genuine, why would she keep breathing another 10, or 30, or 50 more years in vain?

So here she stands, knowing that He got her back, along with the intent to prove her mum that 9 months of carrying her all around worth the pain, and 19 years of working days and nights worth her parents' strain,


And for now she knows if she had actually looked for Him,
He had never left her alone in the rain.
And it's with the rain, showers all the blessings,
And that when it's pouring, prayers meet their fate.