Ramadan Journal: 'Zero'

I keep waking up in a foreign town

Beneath the obstacles trying to put me down

The voices that heal me were once around

Have I completely lost the fading sound?

I walked to see in life, what’s fair?

I stopped while thinking I got time to spare

But I halted too much yet I don’t really stare

To find the answer to what do I have to care

So many good people I do admire

But is there even one that I really aspire?

The hunch leaves myself being unsure

And let me live my life like it never matter

I laugh, I cry, and I try to run

Yet I always end up standing at the edge

I know, I might fall down anytime

But I still can’t trade a word of pledge

There are times the sea gets too rough

I can’t swim; drowned amidst the wreaths

They always told me “I need to be tough”

But not about the struggles I'll face till my last breath

Sometimes I  feel like life has been great

Then I wish it becomes finer and better

But reckless me; life lifts and degrades

Hence my last wish is to subsist, if there isn't a way to prosper.

- Early Spring, 2018

For the past month, it feels like I have not been writing anything useful; instead I have been thinking a lot, crying a lot, and wandering a lot too. Walking through the gardens during spring in London, you can never miss the dandelions that stood out of the grasses...

Why, though? 

Why am I as fragile as the spores of the dandelions, easily blown away when the wind swept a bit too hard over me? 


For months, excuses that I created to make myself feel better...

...had never worked to be honest.


You know, when they say,

'some days I make it through'

'and then...

there's nights that never end'

maybe you should be really grateful for that very few days you have been able to make it through.


-

I closed my eyes, trying hard to ignore that I was in fact, really heartbroken.

I closed me eyes, trying not to burst my tears, yet it did not help my heart from not being torn into pieces..

When I am no longer fluent on things that once used to be at the tip of my tongue.

When I can barely remember things that once used to be the brightest in my head.

When I can't... or I don't... put that much effort for it days and nights anymore


I tried. And when I found out that I couldn't, the huge embarrassment inside me was overflowing; I couldn't bear the shame that I pulled the blanket over my face and went to sleep straight away.

Why do I feel ashamed?

I don't know.

I no longer sure if it's really about 'why'.

Or maybe it's a matter of who..

Who do I feel ashamed with actually? With God? With my own self?

I don't know.

Am I drifting away?


-

One night.

I listened to the recitation. It was indeed beautiful. It felt wonderful to be reminded by the fact that once upon a time,

it sounded familiar to me.

But...

Not on that night, unfortunately.

How I wish I can go back to those days. And embrace that kind of feelings again.

-

One day.

I was alone.

I sat on my bed. I stared at the book on my shelf.

Take it? No? Go for it? Grab it? No? Reach out to it?


I opened the first page. I wasn't thinking of anything. What I knew was I started to read the first chapter, the Opening.

Have you ever felt like crawling on the floor cause you can't even walk? That was literally what I was feeling.

You know, it's hard when you're two different persons at the same time. You're the one breathing in shame. And you're also the one who's trying to whisper to your heart, hey hey hang in there, it's okay.

Embarrassment? Disappointment? Sorrow? You name it. I have it all in me. But all the half of me can do is trying to push the other half a bit harder.


Push me, from where I do stand now.

I am,

At scale zero.


Back then. Last year. Three years ago. Five years ago.

Those days when you used to be able to run.

But you can barely crawl now.

What have you got in your head, mate?


I don't know.


What should I feel about being at zero?


"Zero is where everything starts. Nothing would ever be born if we didn't depart from there.
Nothing, would ever be achieved." - Shinichi Kudo


Depart from there?


Start all over again?


When?

'Oh, that's a busy period'

'Ah, the hustle will go all over me'

Oh gosh, any beginning is hard, you know.


Well dude, have you ever forgot that life is too short to hold back?


That's the only one truth,

and there are some things in this life you can never deny.


You have always thought that life might go against you.

Have you ever thought that it might be you who have been going against life?


-

Depart from zero.

Whatever the end is it doesn't matter, now.


'We just got to keep moving, even if it's just one step forward'.


Zero.

It is a place to start, not a sign to stop.

"After asking Allah to guide you to the straight path, don't just stand there... start walking." 
- Albaz Poetry


Take one step at at a time, dear. One baby step forward.

Because if you try to run before learning how to walk, you're just gonna get hurt and broken even more...


So if you are a dandelion, be among the ones in the spring.


'What I need is dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. 
The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. 
That it can be good again.'
- Suzanne Collins

I know this is not ample enough to show that I do care, but sometimes I just do not know how to.

I wish when the sun shines bright over the summer, hopes will cast its light over my dreams too.

Dear faith tell me, even after spring walk away, even after Ramadan is gone,


it can always be good again.

- epilogue -

"The month of Ramadan is the month when the Quran was sent down as guidance for mankind with clear proofs of guidance and the criterion by which to distinguish right from wrong. Therefore, whoever of you is present in that month, let him fast; but he who is ill or on a journey shall fast a similar number of days later on. God desires ease for you, not hardship. He desires you to fast the whole month, so that you may glorify Him for His having guided you and so that you may be grateful to Him" - Al-Baqarah, 2:185


It was only towards the end of Ramadan that I bumped into this verse, and for the countless time in forever, I found myself crying in shame again.

Nuzul Quran and Lailatul Qadar didn't cross my mind at all at the beginning of the holy month. Forgetful I am, really. How can I not be ashamed of my own self?

For the first time in forever, I prayed hard and cried hard to Him to give me a chance for another Ramadan. This is definitely not the one I would like to be my last.