Naja.
Das Leben ist nicht einfach. Es ist schwer und ermüdend. Geduld und Dankbarkeit, no matter how many times I have heard of it before; no matter how many times I have talked about it, ist leichter gesagt als getan.
I realise that some of my posts for the past few months have been a bit sloppy and gloomy - this might be just another one of the kind; I wish getting over things is as simple as telling myself, "get over it je lah, duniawi je semua ni uhuk"
But of course, I have to put this here because life is not a bed full of roses; neither it is a garden full of thorns, and I can't express enough how important it is to manage negative thoughts by being aware of it and acknowledging what was going on. So, here it goes.
I was a bit sad (again) as the fasting month brought its curtain down - not because Ramadhan was leaving, but because I was yet to move on from the fact that these unanticipated things happened.
I have never thought that I would find it quite difficult to move forward after not being able to get a 'proper closure' from the 'break-up' with my degree lol. When I think of it, it all stemmed from the things that I told myself; 'I could have done this if this didn't happen' or 'I could have done that if I hadn't flown back'. Such thoughts are silly, I know, but I guess I just couldn't help it. I then reminded myself (again 😌) of the tangible and intangible things that I should be grateful for (which some wouldn't be the case if I was (or am) still in London).
I then started journaling again a few days after the first day of Eid. After articulating my negative thoughts through writing in my personal diary, I was feeling much better alhamdulillah. I have also finally found things to keep myself occupied! I just finished reading A Quiver Full of Arrows (part of Jeffrey Archer's The Collected Short Stories that I've got as a birthday gift - if I am not mistaken - while I was in high school). After reading too many academic papers, I guess I didn't realise that I do miss reading fictions. Yet somehow I've only managed to finish two to three short stories in a day; probably because I was more busy catching up on my Deutsch and Lughatul 'Arabiah revision on Duolingo to advance to the next league (after being demoted twice due to my lack of dedication ahaks). I had even managed to finish second in the leaderboard last week woohoo! (But now I feel a bit drained lol I should probably lower my daily target and just aim not to get demoted again)
Bumping into motivational quotes and posts on Instagram had also lifted my spirit a little bit.
(Thank you @thegoodlifepodcast!)
I know this is hard but I should really STOP thinking about how some things could have turned out differently (and I think you guys must have been bored - at least I am - of the same rant over and over again 😌). Like what Nur and Ustaz Mizi discussed in another episode of 'The Good Life' podcast, we need to approach negativity (or in my case, negative thoughts) by observing it from a safe distance and never let ourselves drowned in the emotional spiral. I definitely should not have spent too much time in my room, contemplating about the past, alone, aha!
On one of the nights last week, I was reading Surah al-Mulk while my eyes wandered through the Malay translation on the left side of the page. A wonderful translation of the third verse caught my attention:
"He Who created the seven heavens one above another. You do not see any rift or inconsistency in the Creation of (Allah) the Most Gracious. (If you are doubtful) so [re]turn your vision again; do you see any flaws?" (67:3)
'Exactly, do you see any flaws?' I asked myself. I have been troubled with my own negative thoughts on things that had taken place, which had complicated my trust in God's perfect plan and timing for the past several weeks. This verse, therefore, hit very close to home. It felt like a slap in my face: there's no flaw in His work and timing - Sein Plan ist perfekt! (I should probably re-read Ustaz Mizi's book on letting God huhu)
On another note, it made me realise why it is very important to study the translation of the Qur'an. Ustaz Zarifi Mohd Daud once outlined an analogy in a TV show 'Tanyalah Ustaz' last few weeks during Ramadhan. He said (paraphrased), "If we're to watch a movie which is aired in a foreign language, we would definitely choose to watch it with subtitles right?" He then continued, that is how our process of reading the Qur'an should work too. If we can't comprehend what is going on in a movie without the subtitles, we won't be able to make the most out of God's messages (Kalamullah, another nickname of the Qur'an) if we don't even literally understand what the messages are. Sometimes, we even looked up for the fun facts, or the actors trivia, or behind the scenes stuff after watching a movie. For me, that's analogous to what learning tafsir is all about - tafsir and translation (terjemahan) are two distinctive things. Tafsir attempts to delve deeper into the meaning of the Words of God; by trying to provide explanation, interpretation, context or commentary of God's wills to help us understand them better.
I know that Surah al-Mulk is famously known for its advantage (fadhilat or kelebihan) of being the saviour from the torments of the grave, but I feel like reading the verses and appreciating its meanings before going to sleep can make one feels calm; since the reminder of God being the Most Powerful can take the restlessness away before one takes the time off for the day. "Rest assured, no matter what His plan is for you tomorrow, it is indeed flawless and it is for the best."
Anyway, (back to my original point) since it will be more or less a week before I will be officially an alumni of UCL, I guess this time I really to need to work on getting over things, moving on with life and think of bigger things to look up to moving forward (and God please, help me with this struggle!). I promise myself that I'll be embracing the present (and the break that I'm currently enjoying) and of course, I'll be looking forward to more snapshots on my journey of introspection! 😉
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